sometimes i'm in awe how far i've come. when this entire "situation" began, i really didn't see a way out.. there was no light at the end of the tunnel, there was no room for a new beginning or a happy ending. there wasn't much for anything anymore. maybe that's what a fucked up life will reward you with--resilience. i mean granted, everyone has problems.. but most of mine were out of my control to begin with. there's some thing in your life that you just can't control, hell.. maybe that's where the pain is.. in the things that we really have no control over. but hell, it teaches us to pick ourselves off the floor, put the chin back up... and simply carry the fuck on. it's a tough lesson to learn, though.. especially when it's way easier to say we can pick up, then actually doing it. it still amazes me what the soul can recover from, and what holds it down in so many ways. sometimes it just doesn't make any real sense to me. is there a "scale" on pain? on what we "should" be able to move on from and things we simply cannot? i guess it's an individual thing. some people can brush off true heart break, and some can't. i guess that's how it goes. however, the process of healing begins for some, and thank god for that. i think i've gotten there, to a certain point. it amazes me, because 6 months ago when someone asked me what the fuck the point of this fucked up life was.. i didn't have an answer. today.. i'm doing okay. but i'm scared because i know i am doing well because someone else has healed me.. i just.. i know we're all supposed to be able to make ourselves happy, but how does that work when you really can't stand being with yourself? lord, i know the problem. the real problem is i literally have nothing besides the relationships in my life. i NEED to find a hobby. something that i can do with just me. something that can keep me entertained so i don't have to rely on people so much. every day i see how more and more co-dependent i am, and being this way.. looking back.. it's been destructive in past relationships, friends and otherwise. i mean the ones... the true ones that i may have lost significant amounts of time with.. are still here with me because they are exactly like me. and it's destructive, and look at us.. even when we SHOULD be happy, we truly aren't because we're relying on someone else to give this happiness to us. and no matter how much we love someone, we have to make ourselves happy. we have to find SOMETHING that give us meaning, not SOMEONE. i mean.. i don't know it's so hard, yet so easy. meh. sometimes i guess i just can't find the words that want to slip out of my mouth.
valentine's day was really nice. jim came over. he bought me a cute little stuffed animal and we went out to dinner. he was wicked tired, so we basically laid around all night. i'm always tired so that wasn't a big deal, haha. i'll have to bust out my sexy outfit next time i see him :P my feelings for him are becoming more intense each time i see him, and.. i really think it's happening.. i think i love him. the second he's gone i feel an emptiness inside of me that really isn't filled until i see him again. it scares the hell out of me, because i don't want to be vulnerable again.. i don't want to chance getting hurt again.. but that's just s chance that we take as human beings. no matter how bad we get burnt, most of us keep trying until we finally find the one who will truly pick us up instead of kicking us when we are down. we finally find the person that sticks, the person that remains the same even when the situation changes. we all have the "one," and when we find it.. it WILL stick. hell, i'd bet my entire fucking existence if someone asked me a year ago that tim was mine.. but at the end of the day, it's gone.. and if it was truly meant to be, then it would be, and it's.. it's not.
i'm starting to be able to close my eyes and see a better day. hell for all we know, tim could've been a stepping stone into something better.. i understand that without the tragedy that i faced with the ending of that relationship, then i would have never met jim. and he means something to me more and more every day. i know deep inside i am holding back because i'm scared, but each time i look at him, i can physically feel myself letting my guard down because i truly desire to allow myself to love him. he makes me laugh. he's sweet. he tries to understand this fucked up mind that's attached to me. he's got his flaws, but so do i.. and i really believe that deep down he cares about me, but i sense that he holds back in the same ways that i do. maybe he thought he found his one, too. we don't really talk about his ex-girlfriend, but from what i know.. it hit him really hard when she fucked him over. the feeling that i know too well, even though i never thought i'd have to feel it. shame on me. but i guess that's life. i guess i'm letting tim go now. finally.
it scares me though, because i really do feel like i always need someone in order to feel whole. jill links it back to my childhood, although i forgot what she said.. but she's probably right. i am going to have to ask her when i go back. but that truly scares me, and i KNOW it to be true, which is even more scary. i need to become stable in myself. and you know.. i probably need to do that on my own, but i'm in too deep to turn back now. the good news is that i still don't have jim by my side 24/7, which is good. plus he has this tendency to become very distracted.. i mean we talk every day, but we don't truly talk unless we're together, which is only twice a week. i think it's a good thing though.. i mean.. i know it makes me sad and frustrated, but that is because i am not yet whole internally yet. but i think with him, i have a chance to be. i realize that i was not able to do this same process with tim because he is the same as i. we always had each other, and we always embraced each other simply in avoidance of ourselves. this relationship dynamic is so new, and so different.. but i think it's healthy. and maybe my relationship with tim never was, even though it seemed so at the time. i dont know. time will tell, i suppose. i'm going to tell jim how i feel about him soon, but i don't want to fall back into this.. obsessive? (i guess for lack of better words) cycle where i become so attached that i literally lose myself.. because i'm still in the process of picking the pieces of me back up and putting them back together. i need to feel whole before i can love someone in the manner that i should.. and ill admit i have really bad days sometimes, but i truly believe that i am slowly getting there. and even though it seems counter-productive, i know jim has helped me in that way, even if he doesn't realize it, but i'm still in a process. but every day it gets a little easier. i'm excited at the feeling of finding love again.. but i feel like it's so soon, like there's almost something wrong with the way i feel.. but i guess this is the part that just happens. the effortless part. meeeh! here we gooooooo.
i look at how devoted i have become in losing weight, and it just shows me more how much devotion and i guess.. motivation.. i can have if i find something that i want and stick to it. i have lost like 32 pounds since i started WW in august. and god only knows how much i dropped since then. i mean.. it's not that big of a deal, but it just proves that if i put my energy into something that i can actually fucking do it. i really need to find something though. i mean i continue to throw myself into planet fitness, but there's gotta be more to it then that. but until then.. that's where i'll remain. speaking of which, i should get my fatass there as we speak, lololol.