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but theres a place, we could find where this pain is useless... [entries|friends|calendar]
sammay [overdosed on apathy]

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[14 Jun 2016|01:39pm]
whoaaaa. this is interesting, lol. i don't exactly know why i actually logged back into this. i am at work, with nothing to do.. okay, that's a lie.. i have plenty to do, but no motivation to do any of it. i try and remember how things were when i used to have this for an outlet. i think i was better back then at regulating myself, but who knows. so much has changed since i last updated this thing. i tried reading some of what i posted in the past, but got so bored i just stopped. it would be interesting to go all the way back, though. hahahahaa. i can't cry here. nah. maybe i'm in a better place now. i'm grown, that's for sure. ya live, ya learn.. right? or ya live, make mistakes, and do it all over??? hahaha.

i am in some new kind of therapy. it's called EMDR. it's going well so far.. it's weird, and a lot different then talk therapy, but it's going.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[27 Apr 2014|01:04am]

How far can regret really take us?

And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[20 Apr 2014|11:07pm]

But if there's a pill to help me forget, god knows I haven't found it yet. But I'm dying to, god I'm trying to. Trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining, down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. Cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.

And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-she's falling apart waiting for superman to pick her up in his arms-] [15 Apr 2014|10:01pm]
they say you don't know what you got till it's gone. is that really true? i guess so. it's so hard lately. April set me off. Set me off into thinking and doing stupid fucking things. because april is when my life changed for the better. come july, that's when i'll be reminded how it was changed forever. i don't know why i'm taking 50 steps back, but it's so hard. i just want someone to understand, i want you to understand. but you're too busy being angry. blaming me. saying awful things. i didnt lose my virginity to you? are you fucking insane? how the fuck can you possibly think those things about me? i don't understand, and this can't be you.. can it? are you so far gone? it hurts. it hurts so bad, because the things you swear i never wanted.. come to find out, were all i ever wanted. maybe i didnt know it at the fucking time, but i know now. and it's too late. maybe i'l find them with someone else. in fact, i can SEE these things with jim, but starting over.. is hard. time is hard to deal with. it's like we were so close to the end goal. and then we lost it. and now we both have to start over and find that again. alone. separately. it's almost like being so close to the finish line, falling.. and losing the fucking race. there's no way that i can make you understand, and at one point i didnt think it would even be worth trying. i liked it better then, but now i'm crashing and i'm falling. and i feel alone. alone in a crowd of people. and i feel bad for you. because i knew i'd be "okay," but you.. you lost everything. and everyone i know reminds me that you deserved that. and maybe you do but why does it hurt so bad? maybe because i've always been the one to save you, and now i cant. maybe i just wanted to save you. maybe i just feel like i failed you. maybe i feel like i failed me. maybe i feel like i failed us. i hate this, whatever it may be.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[25 Mar 2014|10:05am]

God give me the strength to stay stable during the month of April.

And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-i gave it everything i had, and lord it just wasnt enough-] [15 Feb 2014|03:28pm]
sometimes i'm in awe how far i've come. when this entire "situation" began, i really didn't see a way out.. there was no light at the end of the tunnel, there was no room for a new beginning or a happy ending. there wasn't much for anything anymore. maybe that's what a fucked up life will reward you with--resilience. i mean granted, everyone has problems.. but most of mine were out of my control to begin with. there's some thing in your life that you just can't control, hell.. maybe that's where the pain is.. in the things that we really have no control over. but hell, it teaches us to pick ourselves off the floor, put the chin back up... and simply carry the fuck on. it's a tough lesson to learn, though.. especially when it's way easier to say we can pick up, then actually doing it. it still amazes me what the soul can recover from, and what holds it down in so many ways. sometimes it just doesn't make any real sense to me. is there a "scale" on pain? on what we "should" be able to move on from and things we simply cannot? i guess it's an individual thing. some people can brush off true heart break, and some can't. i guess that's how it goes. however, the process of healing begins for some, and thank god for that. i think i've gotten there, to a certain point. it amazes me, because 6 months ago when someone asked me what the fuck the point of this fucked up life was.. i didn't have an answer. today.. i'm doing okay. but i'm scared because i know i am doing well because someone else has healed me.. i just.. i know we're all supposed to be able to make ourselves happy, but how does that work when you really can't stand being with yourself? lord, i know the problem. the real problem is i literally have nothing besides the relationships in my life. i NEED to find a hobby. something that i can do with just me. something that can keep me entertained so i don't have to rely on people so much. every day i see how more and more co-dependent i am, and being this way.. looking back.. it's been destructive in past relationships, friends and otherwise. i mean the ones... the true ones that i may have lost significant amounts of time with.. are still here with me because they are exactly like me. and it's destructive, and look at us.. even when we SHOULD be happy, we truly aren't because we're relying on someone else to give this happiness to us. and no matter how much we love someone, we have to make ourselves happy. we have to find SOMETHING that give us meaning, not SOMEONE. i mean.. i don't know it's so hard, yet so easy. meh. sometimes i guess i just can't find the words that want to slip out of my mouth.

valentine's day was really nice. jim came over. he bought me a cute little stuffed animal and we went out to dinner. he was wicked tired, so we basically laid around all night. i'm always tired so that wasn't a big deal, haha. i'll have to bust out my sexy outfit next time i see him :P my feelings for him are becoming more intense each time i see him, and.. i really think it's happening.. i think i love him. the second he's gone i feel an emptiness inside of me that really isn't filled until i see him again. it scares the hell out of me, because i don't want to be vulnerable again.. i don't want to chance getting hurt again.. but that's just s chance that we take as human beings. no matter how bad we get burnt, most of us keep trying until we finally find the one who will truly pick us up instead of kicking us when we are down. we finally find the person that sticks, the person that remains the same even when the situation changes. we all have the "one," and when we find it.. it WILL stick. hell, i'd bet my entire fucking existence if someone asked me a year ago that tim was mine.. but at the end of the day, it's gone.. and if it was truly meant to be, then it would be, and it's.. it's not.
i'm starting to be able to close my eyes and see a better day. hell for all we know, tim could've been a stepping stone into something better.. i understand that without the tragedy that i faced with the ending of that relationship, then i would have never met jim. and he means something to me more and more every day. i know deep inside i am holding back because i'm scared, but each time i look at him, i can physically feel myself letting my guard down because i truly desire to allow myself to love him. he makes me laugh. he's sweet. he tries to understand this fucked up mind that's attached to me. he's got his flaws, but so do i.. and i really believe that deep down he cares about me, but i sense that he holds back in the same ways that i do. maybe he thought he found his one, too. we don't really talk about his ex-girlfriend, but from what i know.. it hit him really hard when she fucked him over. the feeling that i know too well, even though i never thought i'd have to feel it. shame on me. but i guess that's life. i guess i'm letting tim go now. finally.

it scares me though, because i really do feel like i always need someone in order to feel whole. jill links it back to my childhood, although i forgot what she said.. but she's probably right. i am going to have to ask her when i go back. but that truly scares me, and i KNOW it to be true, which is even more scary. i need to become stable in myself. and you know.. i probably need to do that on my own, but i'm in too deep to turn back now. the good news is that i still don't have jim by my side 24/7, which is good. plus he has this tendency to become very distracted.. i mean we talk every day, but we don't truly talk unless we're together, which is only twice a week. i think it's a good thing though.. i mean.. i know it makes me sad and frustrated, but that is because i am not yet whole internally yet. but i think with him, i have a chance to be. i realize that i was not able to do this same process with tim because he is the same as i. we always had each other, and we always embraced each other simply in avoidance of ourselves. this relationship dynamic is so new, and so different.. but i think it's healthy. and maybe my relationship with tim never was, even though it seemed so at the time. i dont know. time will tell, i suppose. i'm going to tell jim how i feel about him soon, but i don't want to fall back into this.. obsessive? (i guess for lack of better words) cycle where i become so attached that i literally lose myself.. because i'm still in the process of picking the pieces of me back up and putting them back together. i need to feel whole before i can love someone in the manner that i should.. and ill admit i have really bad days sometimes, but i truly believe that i am slowly getting there. and even though it seems counter-productive, i know jim has helped me in that way, even if he doesn't realize it, but i'm still in a process. but every day it gets a little easier. i'm excited at the feeling of finding love again.. but i feel like it's so soon, like there's almost something wrong with the way i feel.. but i guess this is the part that just happens. the effortless part. meeeh! here we gooooooo.

i look at how devoted i have become in losing weight, and it just shows me more how much devotion and i guess.. motivation.. i can have if i find something that i want and stick to it. i have lost like 32 pounds since i started WW in august. and god only knows how much i dropped since then. i mean.. it's not that big of a deal, but it just proves that if i put my energy into something that i can actually fucking do it. i really need to find something though. i mean i continue to throw myself into planet fitness, but there's gotta be more to it then that. but until then.. that's where i'll remain. speaking of which, i should get my fatass there as we speak, lololol.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-I don't think I need you anymore, take the pain and hurt; I don't need it-] [26 Jan 2014|10:02am]

Sometimes I really do think I sit here feeling super bad for myself when I really shouldn't. We all have a past, right?! Mine was just a piece of shit.. But I turned out okay.

And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-is it worth it, can you even hear me?-] [24 Jan 2014|09:19am]
I don't really know what the hell I want to say. I feel like I'm being torn in a million directions, and I never know which path is supposed to be taken... are any of these even the right one? Today my life is in a completely different place then I ever thought it would be.. or so I think. When I actually take a few steps back and reflect.. there isn't much that is different. I graduated on Saturday... got the Master's like I planned all along. Hell, I even got called for a second interview on a significantly better position at work. I should be smiling, I should be ecstatic.. and for the most part, I am... or so I think. I can't decide if I am actually indeed... fooling myself. It's weird, logically I KNOW I should be happy, and sometimes I am legit happy.. but other times.. it just feels so surreal.. so not even worth it. Sometimes I just numb myself down to the fact that none of this really matters, but why? Is it because I'm truly not over love lost? The second I THINK I'm okay... moving on, doing "better," something comes along.. something that half the time isn't even that significant... and makes me relapse back into a dark place.. But I try and remember.. was I ever really as happy as I thought I was a year ago? Maybe. Or do I simply long for what I've known for so long because it's comforting? Maybe. I wish I knew. I know that it's human nature to throw yourself into something really hard.. but I honestly believe I always take that to the next level in my relationships, and it's dangerous. At the end of the day, most people aren't who they say they are--as much as I hate to admit it, people do change. Unfortunately, sometimes these changes are not always for the better. But then again.. take a few steps back.. maybe I'm the one that changed. When Tim left.. I didn't really see a point on going on.. and I knew it was going to be hard, and most days I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. On the outside, I made it. The inside? That depends on the day. I'm chasing the feeling. The feeling I know that only he can create. However, I KNOW I can love again.. I feel it. I just have to remind myself that it is never going to be the same.. and I need to stop expecting it to be, because it just.. it just won't. I mean... under the circumstances, I think I did an okay job with going through the healing process. I am still slowly accepting that maybe it WASN'T my fault.. I mean.. I can't sit here and say everything is fucking peachy, because it just isn't.. but I know I'll be okay. It's weird though.. these passed 6 months have been so hard, but such positives have come out of them for me. Master's degree. Weight Loss. Therapy. New relationship. Potential new job. These are all awesome things.. but yet, I let something dark cloud over it all. Loss. I've never been good with loss. The "starting over" really fucking terrified me.. and I think it still does. I mean.. I understand that I can't live that way. I understand that I need to actively seek out new people, and starting over.. we all have to do it sometimes; it's just a part of life.. I'm just afraid that I'll be stuck "starting over" for the rest of my life because I don't ever think anything is ever going to stick in the long term. Relationships, friendships. They're all the same. They go through a cycle. You gain, and then you lose... right? Not always. I just feel doomed. I still hold onto the hope that my life is currently taking a detour, and I'll eventually end up where/with who I should be. I'm happy though.. I understand that there are still good people in my life, the one's that really stood by. The one's that pulled me out. Hell, I'm even fortunate to have new people in my life that really made my healing possible. Sometimes I really think I just long for the thought of Tim, but other times I am not too sure. Jim is a great guy, but he manifests things that resemble Timothy so much that it scares me to the point where I try so hard to separate the two relationships because they are completely different. It's hard for me to make that separation sometimes because of how invested I was in the relationship. Like I said the "starting over" was not an easy thing for me. I'm complicated and full of more flaws then I care to discuss now.. I was in a place where I believed that no one, besides Timothy, could ever love me.. and sometimes I really do feel like no one will care about me the way he did.. however, the fact still remains that he ripped my heart into a million pieces and left me there to put them back together. Alone. Most days I sit and wonder if he'll ever truly regret it. Maybe he's happier now. But where does that leave me? I trust Jim, I really do. I know he means well, and I can tell that he's probably just about as guarded as I am, and maybe that's okay. The fact of the matter is that I DESIRE someone to need me in the same capacity as I need them.. which worked perfectly with Timothy because we were on the same level of insecurity. I believe Jim is also insecure, but on a different level. He is okay being alone--having his hobbies, and letting me have mine. THAT'S A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, ISN'T IT? Do I long for the unhealthy? Maybe. Am I too needy? Maybe. But I get it.. I need to give the relationship time to evolve before I go and make these vast fucking decisions or opinions about it. It's new. It's new for the both of us, but I know that it's only a matter of time before I let myself fall into him, even if I am terrified I know I won't be able to help it because love has no limits, and it has no control.. but it's coming; I can feel it. And I trust that he'd be there for me. In fact, I know he'd be there for me. But how do I love again? How do I grab a hold of something new when the old is still dangling off my fingers? I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want to hurt anyone either. But I guess that's just a one of the risks that comes with life. I'm preparing myself for another loss, and it scares me because I know I will find somewhere to put all my energy because I can't ever put it in myself.. because at the end of the day, I don't like me. I'm full of mixed emotions today, but I can't hide the fact that I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, and worried. I guess I'm negative, and some would probably argue that I'm a shitty friend, but I can't help the way I feel. This is huge, but you don't seem to see any logic. But I get it.. who the fuck am I to say that you should/should not go through with it? Hell, I guess you don't really know what you're going to do until you're in the situation. I'm stuck in anger. SHOCKER THERE, RIGHT?!? Lol. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here today.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-fear of becoming, i'm so tired of running-] [13 Jan 2014|07:47pm]
what do you do when the one person you didn't ever imagine would fuck you over does? and in more ways then one. mother fuckers act like it isnt a big deal.. to just run off with a car thats "in his name" yeah, granted it's in his name.. but it's in mine too. and it seems that in more ways than one, my life slowly fell apart. and when does it end? my heart, luckily, is mending.. but it doesn't stop there.. it's never that easy.. to heal. to move on. to forget this ever fucking happened. if someone would have asked me where my life would be today.. this is the last spot i would ever fucking imagine. and that goes far beyond the typical fucking end of this relationship.. it's just everything.. i thought my life wouldve fallen into place by now. i'm about to graduate from school, and i feel like nothing is right.. nothing was worth it. will i ever find a job that i'm worth? it doesnt seem that way, and i'm feeling cynical about.. everything. well, most things. i realize how lucky i was when i stumbled upon jim, because i wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship.. i was just looking for the typical rebound. i mean, i always thought i wanted a relationship immediately after tim, but i always knew that it was only because i wanted to fill the space.. but i really do feel as though i am.. well, i dont think i've healed, but i'm throwing myself into the process.. the process that i' oh so used to. and i'm once again beginning to face reality.. the reality that tells me exactly what happened. the reality that tells me that maybe.. just maybe this just wasnt "meant" to last.. maybe he just wasnt the person i always thought he was. or maybe he is. i dont really know, but i do know that he is in a bad place, and he dragged me with him. like always, though.. i pulled out. i got up. i brushed off. and i went the fuck on. it makes me sad that i'm always in the same position.. the one where i have to get up, brush off, and move on from the pain.. when will it stop? the minute i thought it was over.. hell, it WAS over for a good amount of time.. and then it all just came crashing down again. again and again and again. i KNOW i'm feeling sorry for myself, but how much does one person have to take, really? i dont know. i know things like this happen all the time, but i just feel like my life has always been evolved around people who are supposed to care about me, and hell.. maybe they always do.. but they always seem to let SOMETHING else get in the way of that. my parents let the drugs slip in. tim let the.. i don't even know. tim's pure selfishness just swept all of this away. and it.. it still hurts. just knowing that i wasn't worth it. but i know that it isn't me.. i'm starting to see that more and more every fucking day. i know that i'm waiting on another life, something better for MYSELF. and i know the hard work i put into all of this will pay off.. it's just a waiting game now. it's always a waiting game, though.. isn't it? we wait for the moment where it all seems worth it.. but what happens if that moment never comes. what if this is all a waste of fucking time? what if...


people fucking suck :)
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[30 May 2013|10:15pm]
people are so funny sometimes. i don't wanna call people hypocritical because i don't know i feel like that sounds bitchy because i really am trying to understand how this all works, but damn. people are just so funny sometimes. i wish some of them could go back in time, i wonder if they would have said the things they said, or acted the way they acted if they realized that they would one day be in the exact same situation as me.. it really makes me wonder, and i just cannot get my finger on it. i just remember those days, taking all the crap. we were so young then, it's a shame, and although you weren't the main culprit, i know that you also went along with that band wagon too. and look at you now. it's kinda funny. i feel sorry for some though, because they don't get their happy endings. not saying that i'm 100% happy every day, because i dont give a fuck what anyone says--no one is happy 100 percent of time.. but at the end of the day, what i've lost.. doesn't really even amount to what i've gained. and i understand that.. i understand that people start dating, and get into the vicious cycle of complete co-dependency where they are just so surrounded with each other that they rarely want to let any one in. i get that, i really do.. but i also know the other side of that.. it can make you or break you. co-exsisting is the name of the game. and i'm so happy that i realized that before it was too late. i have an awesome boyfriend, you know? despite it all, everyone fucking loves him. and so do i. he's so kinda and genuine.. and anyone who knows him, really knows him know that. i'm so grateful for those who stuck by us until now. i sincerely pity others who are in similiar situations that i was in.. it's funny though, they find themselves "throwing away" their friends for their love life.. or at least not taking opportunity to spend time with them when a few months ago you would not have.. hahaha. i guess it's a cycle every one goes through at one point or another, right? some later than others, i guess. it's just so funny.. looking back, and looking at today. man if i pulled that i wouldve gotten my face chewed off.. i thought about that, for a second. and i thought.. well i HAVE done those things, right? i don't know.. i don't really see myself at that much fault, even though i know i am a culprit myself. i just hope that others don't fall into that cycle, because it breaks most relationships down.. and i really believe it would have done the same to mine. however, i think me and tim have had moments where i thought we had drifted too far apart.. and that's always.. terrifying. we are always so scared that if we don't have our boyfriends/girlfriends attached at our hip every single second of the day that we might drift to no return, but my advice is.. that (most of the time) this does the exact opposite and actually strengthens relationships. but i guess.. what the hell do i know, right? it's just so funny.. that i've been seeing this lately with the people i know. it's like wow.. you guys get it now, right? i'm no longer this alien in the corner when i try and explain the choices i've made because people are making them too! love will make you do crazy things, right?! make you give up moments with your friends, moments that back then you never wouldve passed up. love makes you do crazy things, right?! makes you leave behind old friends, not always intentionally. love makes you do crazy things, right?! hide things from the ones you swore you were closest too? its crazy, i know. and it gets even crazier. haha it makes me wonder.. is love a cycle? i think so. i think all love is different, but damn.. it's similar too.. it's so hard to try and explain.. i dont even know. it's funny though. the things you swear you'd never do.. you find yourself doing! and you see nothing wrong with it, because most of the time IT'S NOT. we just have this tendency to.. think highly of our friendships over our relationships.. especially if you're the one getting left behind. but now most everyone that i know knows what the fuck i'm talking about because they have found themselves in.. "love." whatever that meant for them. or at least i think it's love, i don't know much about it, as i havent really been exposed to the relationships as of yet. haaaaaaa life is wild!
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[30 Apr 2013|11:51am]
you ever have one of those days you never ever ever ever ever ever wanna have again?
yep, today's one of those days.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[27 Apr 2013|11:57pm]
"Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise. I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes. Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize. Its worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lie. And as long as I can feel you holding on. I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong. I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start. I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?"
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[25 Apr 2013|10:20pm]
"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-True-] [10 Apr 2013|03:59pm]
During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind
replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you
fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls,
want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone
else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know
WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.
|1| So fill your life with promises that we'll never have to keep And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[28 Feb 2013|05:27pm]
"it's okay to be angry and never let go. it only gets harder, the more that you know. when you get lonely, if no one's around you know that i'll catch you when you're falling down. cause we came together but you left alone and i know how i feels to walk out on your own. but maybe someday i will see you again and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend"
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[27 Feb 2013|11:49pm]
i just watched this random video that someone posted on facebook.. it was about some kid.. i think he lived in Detroit. at the time, he was 17. his friend kept begging and begging him to give him a ride to a side of town that he didnt want to go too because it was basically like a third world country.. like ghetto and broken down and no good. finally, he agreed to bring his friend because he convinced him it would be okay. as he pulled into the street, he was shot. with a shotgun. first in the left arm, then the chest, and then nearly the head. i'm assuming it was his "friend" who did it--he later found out that the kid joined a gang and that was the thing he had to do to prove himself--kill a random person. the way this kid tells his story really is amazing. he talked about how he was eventually pulled out of the car, which was stolen after his teeth were bashed out by the shotgun. he said he thought to himself--i can either lay here and die or force myself up. so he tried, but couldnt move. he said he felt someone pushing him from behind..pushing him upright. he said he was swinging, looking for someone-- but couldnt see or feel anyone. many people believe God pushed this kid up, got him to move to the street where he was eventually found by a police officer. he said he kept dousing off before he was found.. then he'd hear a voice--he described it as his own voice in third person--telling himself to wake up, not to fall asleep. he said this happened numerous times. he said the last thing he remembered was this voice telling him the EMT's were coming when he was discovered, even though he just wanted to sleep--even if it was forever. he was pronounced dead at the scene. but the doctor claimed he felt something..felt like he could save this kid somehow. they took him to the hospital anyway, and the doctor basically insisted on operating on his heart.. and they managed to do so in time to literally bring this kid back. two days later..he woke up. all he saw was white.. he said he thought he was dead. then the room came back into vision. that very same day, they pulled the breathing tube out.. and he breathed on his own. four days later, he was released from the hospital. he suffered from a hole in his chest the size of a tea cup, along with a nearly shot off left arm, and skidded scalp from where the gun backfired. four days. after a year or two, he was completely normal again. he could walk, talk, remember things, and continue doing what he enjoyed..skate boarding. he said he realized now how blessed he is--he counts what he HAS not what he DOESN't--and appreciates it so much more. he went on to and identified the kid.. and the kid got 30 something years in jail or something, i cant remember...

man.. that whole story is a fucking miracle in itself. it really makes me think that god really has a time that we all go. i literally think that something or someone of a higher power--i am going to go with god, because i am a firm believer--saved his life, helped him get to the street, helped the DR recover his heart. it's fucking intense, and amazing. he literally probably shouldve died with that second shot. or even the first. he could have easily just bled out. fucking incredible. it just sucks thinking about things that don't turn out like this. i think it's because most of the time these miracles DON'T happen. most of the time the worst of every situation is the one that seems to play out. like newtown. i know it's getting old to talk about.. but i can't wrap my head around it still. and now that thing that happened yesterday with the two babies and their grandmother.. like what the fuck?? then you have stories like these.. it just makes you wonder.. the sad reality of it all is that these miracle stories are so profound because of such heinous things that happen in this world. everyday. i don't know though.. i really like this kid. the way he tells his story is so.. genuine.. inspiring, really. inspiring in a way that there is hope that there is this higher being that will literally bring us back from deaths edge. just makes you stop and think, you know? it's funny how he knew the kid that shot him for like ten years prior to all this.. and the kid joined a gang and had to kill someone "random" and chose him. like what the fuck? the gang life.. i just don't understand how that would attract anyone. and basically trick them into leaving all their morals behind.. like what the fuck is up with that shit? i know it's more "complicated" with this in these ghetto cities.. but really.. what is the point? to create more fucking violence. why is violence so appealing to so many? i don't get it.. i just don't fucking get it.

i'm gunna save this here. in case i ever wanna find it again. and also, so you can see it. it's only part one, but watch it all. fucking crazy..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3z4NMWdTcg
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[17 Feb 2013|11:11pm]
"Never you mind what I see in you
Grow because you're beautiful, not because I need you to
Grow till you outstretch every single piece of you
Heaven will see you through but you got to believe it's true
Go write your story
Even if in the end you might outgrow me
I'll always treasure the chapter that was mine
And twist through time with a smile knowing you're free"


this is extremely complex, but speak volumes to probably a lot of people. i mean.. i don't know. it's so hard losing people, even when you know you have to. i don't really know.. what to say. i've yet to be as heart broken as this song conveys. to me, it takes heart break and makes it out to be something beautiful. that even though you're heart broken, and you lost what mattered most to you.. it's the happiness in knowing that the person is free.. you know? it sucks to lose people.. especially when you don't want too.. but really once it's reached a certain point.. you've just gotta sit back and let go.

it's funny to think that we could actually "outgrow" someone. do we really outgrow, move on? i guess.. so. i mean we all change, right? we all grow up in various ways at different times, but what do you do when the one you love can't come with you? it sounds so surreal, but it makes sense to me. as we get older and things change.. people will want different things out of their lives. and even though it seems like they are leaving you behind or abandoning you for something "better," it isn't always that way. people don't choose to change sometimes. sometimes something can come in our lives and it can change us. we may not know it at the time.. or ever... but it happens. like love. love can rock your world and turn it upside down. love can make you do things that you never imagined doing. love can make you hurt. love can make you smile. love can make you grow. but what happens when you realize the other person isn't happy? what the fuck do you do then? you still love them.. so you want them to be HAPPY too.. but what if that means you're outta the picture? that's fucking rough. sometimes.. i think tim would be better off without me. because i don't like the person that i am. i bitch, i moan, i nag, i scream, i control, i put so much pressure on him.. for a life, that sometimes i swear to god i'm forcing him into. but deep down, i know he'd leave me if he wanted too. it would break me, honestly.. but i think there would be a small spot in my heart where i would be comforted with the fact that even though we'd be apart that he would be happy.. doing things that he enjoyed, being the way he wanted to be.. but yet, it would hurt me so much knowing that i couldn't be apart of that. i guess you feel pretty much like a let down when you imagine your loved ones happier without you. it still hurts. i'm actually getting emotional thinking about it, lmao. what the fuck do you do in this situation, really? when your mind tells you to let love go because logically it isn't working anymore, but your heart refuses. who the fuck do you listen to? love doesnt like logic, and vice versa.. and you're fucked either way.

it's hard though.. losing someone, no matter what. but like this says, even if you move on from someone--whether it be a friendship or a relationship--and whatever feelings you may still have--whether it be regret or bitterness--you still treasure the chapter in their life that was yours. at least that's how i see it, anyway. i mean.. i can't say this for all the love i've lost in my life, but for the most part.. even if you KNOW you are going to lose someone, i doubt you'd go back and say "eh, i better not even bothering meeting him/her" i mean yeah.. you might be let down when it happens, but i dont think it amounts to the times that you've shared with a person. however, i do know that each time you're fucked over.. it takes a little more out of you. and sometimes people really have problems getting over that. so they cling to the next best thing. and when that's gone they find themselves in a cycle.. possibly because the thought of being alone is way more painful than this.

i think this quote really comes down to people drifting apart, you know? it happens all the time! someone wakes up and just.. "doesn't want the same things" as you anymore. like obviously that isn't a overnight thing.. but i just feel like.. sometimes people drift apart without even noticing. probably because one person DOESNT notice, while it eats the hell out of the other person. pretty soon the calls stop, the inside jokes aren't as funny, the passion dies and it doesn't really mean much.. and yet, it's still there because you CAN'T let yourself let go. but why? isn't this song about letting go? realizing that sometimes people will drift apart, even when you put every ounce of yourself into them? it's crazy.. at one point or another we all promised ourselves to stay the same.. and it just didn't work out, for whatever reason. then one day we wake up, and we're completely alone. all of a sudden the one's that vouched that they understood us are strangers. it's pretty damn depressing. askadjasdasd i need to go to bed
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-happiness-] [17 Feb 2013|09:11pm]
happiness.

we're the most miserable fucks.. and we pick the word happiness? or was this my idea? i don't remember. i drank too much at the restaurant.. bahaha. anyway. like most of my other entries.. i view happiness as something that is so amazing.. but yet can flee so quickly that if we don't take the time to enjoy it--or realize its happening--then we can miss it. even at my lowest points in my life, i can remember times where i was genuinely happy.. maybe at the time i didnt realize it.. but once it slipped off.. i missed it. you always remember the times when you were most miserable.. you REMEMBER wanting to slice your wrist or blow your brains out, right? you can vividly see how you wanted to take the gun, and end it all. you envisioned how you thought your family and friends would react, right? you can REMEMBER the feeling you got in your stomach when you really thought that this life wasn't worth a shit. it's a distant memory now.. but you can recall that shit on the dime.. your mind slips back to the points where you were most miserable. where you didn't give a fuck.. but why can't we remember the happiness? why, once happiness..and i mean true happiness is gone, we can't recall it? we can't get ourselves to FEEL the passion in our hearts. we can't get ourselves to go back in the time where there wasn't a problem in the world--even if it was just for a little while. in our darkest hour, isn't happiness supposed to surrender itself to us? i think it does. i think, gun in hand, happiness sheered a small shed of light, and told you to put it down, live another day, start over... i guess happiness is more subtle that unhappiness is in that sense.. but maybe it's what saves us all in the end.....
|1| So fill your life with promises that we'll never have to keep And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[16 Feb 2013|11:45pm]
i think it's in human nature to dwell. i mean.. we all talk shit about how we hate the past and want the future and this and that and the other thing..but do we ever really move on? there's shit i swear to myself that i've moved on from.. but if i sit and think about them hard enough i find myself being bothered by them. like not so bothered to the point where i'm depressed or anything but bothered to the point where it's like.. what the fuck? why do our minds have this like stubborn desire to just sit in one point of time? is there something in our minds that is just.. wired to get stuck at certain points. i guess it comes down to having unresolved issues--points in time where our minds didn't quite have a chance to catch up to what was happening to us.. it really sucks because once the mind actually figure it out.. the moment is gone, and there's no turning back. damnit. how the fuck would life be if it was like a video? something you could rewind.. and change, pending on how your future went.. i guess that wouldnt work now would it? it would be rather selfish i mean.. live your entire life and then go back because you're unhappy? there is only so many times you can try and fix things before you get lost.. but it's interesting to think about. going back to that moment where it all fell apart. even still.. would we be able to put it back together? even then? or is damage a thing that cannot be fixed, no matter how far back we go? some people say that life.. is based on fate; that no matter what decision you make.. the end result is the same. but where does that leave free will? where does that leave room for change? it just doesn't make sense.. and yet, in some sense of the world i really do enjoy the thought of fate--the fate of meeting someone, the fate of falling in love.. but then again ONE little mistake.. and they're gone.. was that fated to happen? was there really a mysterious life lesson wrapped around all the heart ache? they say we learn from our mistakes.. but do we? i don't know.. i think a lot of people make the same mistake in their lives over and over and over again just because it brings some kind of joy at the end. life is really one big circle of fucking pain, i suppose. there's happiness that numbs the pain for a little while, but what happens when all is lost? seems to me, that you're fucked.. or so we assume. for some of us, we never really resolve our pain in the first place.. we just keep finding things to cover it up. when it's gone, we put the guard back up. the guard keeping anything but happiness out, because we don't wanna face it--face ourselves. it catches up, you know? the constant cycle of just covering it up--for some of us it's drugs, or sex, or meaningless friendships or objects--covering up the fucking root of all our pain.. and why? because we're too damn scared to face ourselves. and we carry it with us. something happens to us, we get fucked up.. we tell ourselves.. "okay you're over it," and that's that.. but what we don't realize is how much shit can fucking shape us. someone fucks you once, someone fucks you twice.. that's life right? right. and yet, you find yourself trusting no one, letting no one in, facing the rest on your own.. because why? because of life. because of pain. because in order to let the guard down, you might have to face yourself. in the end.. i guess it's fuck that shit.

i like the show catfish. hahaa, it reminds me of my.. semi more pathetic days. it's so funny because i was so lame and everything back then.. and yet, it was fun. i was okay. life was okay! like.. i don't know i am not unhappy, i am just so.. meh. like i said.. i'd like to go back to a better place in my life where i really didn't have anything better to do but sit on the internet and not give a fuck. anyway, that show is funny.. only because i've dealt with all kinds of people online. and half of them turned out to be fake in the worst ways. funny stuff. anyway.. this one bitch on there today.. i hated her cause she was a bitch.. but she made a good point that i listened to. to make a long story short, she basically said that you will KNOW when you're in love, and when you fall in love.. and heaven forbid it happens to be over.. you cannot allow yourself to search for that kind of love again because NOTHING will ever compare to your first love basically.. which is fucking true. like.. i don't even know. it's like.. i feel like you can fall in love with more than one person in your lifetime.. like if a relationship doesnt work out you arent DOOMED, but i just think she's right. you can't go looking for love in the EXACT SAME WAY anymore.. because it just wouldn't work.. you'd NEVER find anyone, because NO ONE can ever be that person or love you in that way. love.. it's not one size fits all.. you can feel love in different ways. it's not to say that you can't ever fall head over heels again, but i don't know.. i think deep down your heart will never forget, but your mind makes it happen because you can't have these unrealistic notions. i think every relationship will probably be new and exciting, but different. and if you find yourself NOT feeling this way, simply forgetting, then i honestly think that you probably never fell in love completely with the previous person.. you know? i dunno, it makes sense in my head.

anyway, i've been writing the same paper for like two weeks and i am still not done. i have this and another due at midnight tommorow, and i have no ambition to do anything. i am so over school. i am discouraged about a job.. still. and i just don't see a point in any of this. i should just sit in the kitchen for the rest of my life.. aahaha, small joke, but yeah. some aspects of life just googogogogogo. like age. i feel so much older than i want to be. and then other parts of life go so slow. like finding a career and shit.. but i know that it's all a fucking delusions. we think we're stuck in time, until that time has passed.. and then we look back and we're just like.. "daaaaamn, where did all that time go? i wanna go back to that time in my life.." it's almost like we're NEVER content with where we are. we're either years in the past, or years in the future. we either long to go back or die to go forward. like what the hell? i just can't wrap my head around it, ever.. and it fucking bothers the shit out of me sometimes.. like honestly. meh. i want to eat. it's late, but my stomach is on fire.. i went to the gym today.. SUCCESS!!! ugh. i hate myself. no ambition, lazy. fuckfuckfuck. okay. SLEEEEEEP <3333
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

[-fuck the world, fuck em all-] [02 Feb 2013|03:19pm]
i don't really see the sense in working hard any more.. it gets you know where. for years, i have done nothing but worked my ass off for my job. i've literally dropped EVERYTHING, i cant remember how many times, to help them when they needed me.. and yet, i'm ALWAYS on the shit list, ALWAYS in trouble, ALWAYS. now i can't return because theres some kind of mysterious complaint that was made about me last night at H.R. and yet, no one can "discuss" it with me.. so i'm basically being suspended without pay for something that i have no idea about.. is this even legal? i wish i could just say fuck them and just leave.. give my two weeks and go. but.. i can't. i have too many bills that would just pile up and ruin my credit if i did that.. but it's just.. so unjust. i am nervous to hear about what it is.. and really.. they tell me this three hours into my shift.. from HOME? like.. solve the problem on monday. if it's about a resident, i know it's a fucking lie. i am a lot of things, i'll admit that.. but i am never disrespectful to them, ever. i am one of the most efficient people in there.. my evaluation will tell them that.. i may lose it sometimes.. but who doesnt? we can't be perfect 365 days a year. and so much goes on in that place it is unbelievable.. and yet.. i get pulled in for the smallest of things. and i know the reason why.. parents shouldnt be their kids boss, saving their asses all the time.. it's totally wrong.. and in any other place, i hope to god it wouldnt be tolerated. i can't think of anything that i did wrong.. i just can't.. and it's bothering the shit out of me. i really need to work.. i have no money as it is, and i can't have tim give me his money.. he is saving for a car, and he already does so much for it. god.. i hope something gives soon. i have had nothing good happen to me in months. my car is basically almost shot, i got hit again yesterday.. AGAIN. if i lost it last night, and said something or did something it was probably because my mind is elsewhere, thinking about why the fuck bad shit has to always happen to me.. it just isnt fair. i don't know what the point of all this school was.. it got me nothing. NOTHING. i just dont know why i even bother.. or why i ever did. i just want to go in a hole and die, really. i am debating going to the ER for my neck because it hurts and i think it's gotten worse.. but i don't want to risk getting another bill i cannot afford if the other guys insurance doesn't cover it. i just don't understand. meh. i'm so miserable right now.. i don't know what to do with myself.
And I know someday you'll be wishing you kept one for me...

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